What am I looking for?

Each step looks like a bigger burden.

I have no clue what I want. And do I really want all this? Do I really want success? money? offices? houses? power? I do not know.

Most of the time I feel I need all this, and much more. I need a better office, maybe a good bank balance, security, power. It may make me happier.

But, then, it all looks futile. Whatever I have today, is more than what I had asked for, just a decade ago. Why do i think i wished for less? Why do I feel my vision was smaller?

Am I happier than I was a decade ago? Yes, definately I am happier. I am happier because I have learnt to fight the world and come out less injured on my pride.

Then why do i feel its all futile. Everyone is unhappy, sad, broken somewhere inside. I am unable to help. Everyone is confused. So am I. It all looks like an illusion.

We are told, taught and explained that if if we have all this .. we will be happy...

is is true? guess not...

Remembering Sahir's words....

हर इक जिस्म घायल,
हर इक रूह प्यासी।

निगाहों में उलझन,
दिलो में उदासी।

ये दुनिया है या,
आलाम-ए-बदहवासी,

ये दुनिया अगर मिल भी जाए तो क्या है ॥

दिल ढूँढता है .....

बर्फीली सर्दियों में , किसी भी पहाड़ पर,
वादी में गूंजती हुई, खामोशियाँ सुने,

आखों में भीगे भीगे से लम्हे लिए हुए...

दिल ढूँढता है, फिर वही फुरसत के रात दिन ...
बैठे रहें तस्सवुर-ए-जाना किये हुए

जाडों कि नर्म धूप और, आँगन में लेट कर,
आखों पे खींच कर तेरे, दामन के साए को,
औंधे पड़े रहे कभी करवट लिए हुए...

दिल ढूँढता है, फिर वही फुरसत के रात दिन ...

या गर्मियों की रात जो पूरवायीयाँ चलें ,
ठंडी सफ़ेद चादरों पे, जागे देर तक,
तारों को देखतें रहे, छत पर पड़े हुए ।

दिल ढूँढता है, फिर वही फुरसत के रात दिन ... बैठे रहें तस्सवुर-ए-जाना किये हुए

Fun on the slides.

Remember those days, when, as kids, playing in a neighborhood parks, we used to enjoy the slide. I must have enjoyed it hundreds of times. And sitting alone here, I seem to recall it once more.

The park I used to play in, had a couple of slides. Some straight, and some with lots of curves. Typically, each one of them had an iron ladder to get on the top, and then zoom, sliding down all the way. It was fun. The feel of letting go the self, and being pulled down by sheer force of gravity, sliding down the shiny, cold steel sheets. It was fun, indeed.

Then, as I grew up, I was taught down-slide isn't fun. One must only keep on doing the hard work of climbing the iron ladder, endlessly. There is no place like the top, but the down slide can begin anywhere. Once could just freely slide down, or tumble down, or thrown down and its not fun.


I still miss that slide of my childhood. Coming down sliding and then every-time rushing back to get on the ladder.

Trying to unlearn that life should only be about getting on the ladder.

I am trying to enjoy the down slide, once again.

The steel is colder and slicker.

Maybe this will help me to be less insecure.

Maybe...

The stress of desire and fear

I am feeling stressed. Heavily stressed with loads of desire and loads of fear.

I had a very disturbed sleep last night, every now and then waking up with a rising desire to take my sweetheart in my arms, loving endlessly. There was no way to cool me off. And then, the stress of complications arising was getting too much on my nerves.

I know that none of us want complications and even if they come, there would be ways to tackle them; but somehow, the thought of complications double my stress. I got up a couple of times, got the the internet to find answers to my questions, but all i got was a mixed bag of statements from people equally confused than I am. I looked for doctors who could advice me and took down an address too. But I am afraid and confused. And yet, I am not able to put my desire down.

I love being in love, being loved; yet, I am not able to come up with solutions for complications that may arise now, or in future.

I often tell myself that things will be ok, and I may be able to handle problems once they come, but my fears eat me inside and increase the stress levels.

Next few days of my life will bring to me the biggest tests of my life I ever had. I wand to stand up, but I am afraid of my weak knees. What if I tremble or fall ?

This morning is very depressing. I do not know how will I handle it today, tomorrow, day after.... till things become clearer. What if they dont? What if things have goen wrong?

I slap myself hard for getting the wish of being loved more and more, even at this mental state. But I cant help it. I have been loved and I feel good and warm and nice at every thought of you.

I like when I am pampered with kisses and I love when your touch admires my body and soul.

But ....... I have no answers, and the questions are killing me...

I have always said that one must sit tight in such situations and let time come up with answers; but now, when it is time, I am unable to sit tight. Next few days are critical, for love, fear, pain, failure, faith, success, what all ?

Time to get ready .... for whatever comes.