Frozen Time

Why ?

Each minute passing is like a heavy step. Each moment is taking hours to pass.

The clock seems to have slowed down .

tick

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Seems that the needles of time sleep between each tick...

tock

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

tick

zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
tock


Somewhere I had felt that I have been able to deal with my impatience; but guess not really.

The time is just not ready to move ahead this morning... I feel its 10:44 A.M. since last so many hours.

How will I handle life in future?

The misery is returning to my eyes. Why? Well... 10:45.... another 15 minutes maybe ...

My ears are waiting. My eyes are fixed on my cellphone. I know it will take time.

The world around me looks in a frozen state. Frozen in time.

The seconds hand of the wall clock refuses to move further untill I pray and beg to it a hundred times. The minutes hand is even more adamant and heavy headed. Just not ready to push itself another step .

10: 48...
Eyes gaze through the corridor outside and I miss myself standing there. My phone is still quite.

10: 49 ....

किसी नज़र को तेरा इंतज़ार आज भी है
कहाँ हो तुम के ये दिल बेकरार आज भी है

न जाने देख के उनको ये हुआ एहसास,
के मेरे दिल पे उन्हें इख्तियार आज भी है।

10: 52 ....

कहाँ हो....

Guess you must be in the cab right now, heading to work.
Another ten minutes maybe.. i would hear from you ..

10: 58

.....

Passion Truths

When my mirror challanged me that I am no longer passionate about my work, I opposed.

But later, I thought again. I wasn't.. anymore. The mirror was right.

When I discovered the joy of digital design, years ago, it filled my life with passion. That scale and density of passion is missing now; after it turned into a profession where I think less of design and more of clients and employees, projects and banking.. etc etc etc.

Business is not my passion. Creativity is.....

Money is just a need. It is again not my passion... I want to earn well so that I can do what I love to do. But when I dont love to do anything, money is just a source of fulfilling needs.

I guess I am no longer passionate about my present state of business..
I am doing it because that is my bread and butter.
It will continue to work hard on it as a my main business activity.
But ... it is presently not my passion anymore.

What am I passionate about? now-a-days.... guess romance, love? Yes, to an extent, I am driven by my heart. Though it seems so to me, but to be honest, on second thoughts.. ... maybe not really. I see my drive waving at times. I see myself less passionate towards my ladylove when I see limitations all around me. It isnt easy - at times. I want to have freedom of time, which I guess I cannot.

In the matters of heart, I sometimes feel I have given in to be tamed, and taming isnt about real passion.

The drive is no longer as strong as it was sometime ago. Same goes for work. The reasons could be many. I can argue with myself for hours on the reasons, causes and effects, but thats useless.

Guess I need a passion that can drive me wild to an extent that I pursue it with all my energy.

I need a passion that makes me fearlessly move towards it. I dont like goal related passions.. Once the goal is reached, passion flies out. I guess I need a path of passion to follow, to move it with all along.

When I look back, I can see that all the turning points of my life were driven by some strange urge to follow my drive. And whenever my drive slowed down, I managed to jump to something really excited me.

I developed some interest in travel recently and guess I would try it sometime soon, when I get some extra money and time.

I need to go. To fly. To re-ignite the fire in the belly.

Maybe I need to live a little more, a little longer, and a little more to my satisfaction.

Look Ma... No Legs...

The 'thought of the day' has been dwelling on my head quite a bit.

A man who cannot stand up for himself and his work, will never be able to stand for anyone else. Period.

No matter how much I can argue on this, egoistically, I cannot escape from the truth in this statement. It does stand true for me and it has been proved so many times.
Such a man is not really worthy of companionship.


The fact is that my consistency is just a result of 'no other option' and my efforts are far less as compared to my past self. I have been eating out my own legs just to keep up with the race and then when someone showed me the mirror .. all i could say – Look Ma.. No legs.


I tired myself last night to an extent so that I can get up thoughtless in the morning, but the attempt failed, maybe because I am dissatisfied somewhere inside. I still woke up to the same face in my thoughts, nothing else.

My mind is failing me time and again. I do not know what I should do so that I think less about my so called 'priority of thoughts' these days. How would it switch to the thoughts of work? By increasing pressure on myself? Na.. An escapist would like to chicken out to sick leave. Well.. thats the image I carry in the eyes of people who know me well.

I need to keep up to the 'race' in order to gain companionship. If I am unsuccessful, as I am today, I must leave willfully and find a way out.

If I cannot raise myself to a certain successful level.... I must quit.


Wish I had known such terms before. But today when I know them, I can easily put them in my agreement too. I am laughing at myself ... wondering who all will be able to come up to my level. No, I am not talking money. Life has several other aspects that money and success. I am also afraid that my bloated esteem may just revolt.

Anyways, jokes apart. I have taken this challenge for sometime as a test to my will and endurance. But this is what I do not want forever.


Let us see what where life takes me now. The next major turn is just about the corner. I can see that. Atleast I would have the satisfaction that I tried.

I would either go uphill or downhill; or maybe take another less traveled way.

One thing is sure. The ball is now set rolling Its time to get up and walk.
I must get bigger or get out.


Good Morning Sunday

The Gold Beads and The Peppercorns

The aftertaste of the phase, these days, is leaving me a little deranged. As my coffee is moving towards the bottom of the cup; the taste of the black peppercorns that I had added, is getting stronger and sharper. With every sip, I tell myself, black pepper is good for throat. So sip on.


This phase started somewhat seven years ago, when, out of sheer challenge to myself, I decided to take a plunge in the pool of gold beads, shinning bright in the sun.. Stepping in the pool, I was too glad to see gold beads all around me, a few in the pocket and lots around, waiting to be picked. I walked lazily, and stuffed whatever I found, in my small pocket with large holes.


The pool was getting larger and deeper and I left shore to step a little more inside. O Boy, it was slippery. Beads, small and large, rolling under my feet were new, shiny and smooth. They slipped faster and balancing was an art that I had never mastered. So I started enjoying the slips and falls, neck deep.


But how neck deep a dwarf can be? A small man is a small man.


I picked up more than my hands could hold, my small pockets could stack and my socks were stuffed. The shine was breathtaking and the everywhere was a sea of gold coins. Enough to be picked up, enough to live by and enough to show off.


As the sunlight went down every time, it grew darker. The coins did not shine anymore. They looked hard, cold and black. Like little black peppercorns all around me. They were there all around, around me, in my hands, in my eyes, in my nose, even in my gut. Just like the gold beads, they did not belong to me but they were there.


Somewhere behind the dark night clouds, a distant moon occasionally shone, throwing a silvery light on these little beads around me, creating a mesmerizing specular extravaganza of dreamy color. It looked magical. The corny feeling of pepper all around me just vanished when the moon came, transporting me to another perspective which had all the happiness, all the magic and rainbows. Each night was better than before And when sometimes when the moon was down, amavasya time, or cloudy days, I just spend time waiting for my moon, knowing it would come, thats the law of the nature.


The cycle of day and night became a ritual, but my mind was not on my gold beads anymore. I just spend time polishing the beads around me, decorating them all around my face and head, so that I could get more and more of that moonlit magic


.... to be continued....


I would write more about how gold beads and black peppercorns fought and how I got the hole in my palm and also the way I tried to thread the beads, and when moon came closer to the pool and a few more things . There is so much to say before I switch off.

न होता मैं ...

न था कुछ तो खुदा था, कुछ न होता तो खुदा होता;
डुबोया मुझको होने ने, न होता मैं तो क्या होता।

हुआ जब गम से यूँ बेहिस,तो डर क्या सर के कटने का;
न होता गर जुदा तन से, तो ज़ानो पे धरा होता।

When depression takes over so much, then why fear the head being cut off. Simply, if it was not down there, it would have been on my shoulders.

The fact that my body is giving away to forces of nature; and my mind is losing its power to the depression that is slowly eating away my thoughts, to a stage where mere words remain meaninglessly linked to each other, not forming a statement.

Good that the fear of death is now getting lesser with time passing by.
Bad that the race will have to left incomplete.
Ugly - my rotton mind will rot further in this self destructive phase.

What is the use of fighting a losing war? But because I have absolutely nothing else to do, I would continue to sit on my three legged donkey, staggering to put up a brave act. till.... either the war is over, or I am ...

हुई मुद्दत ग़ालिब मर गया, पर याद आता है;
वो हर बात पे कहना के यूँ होता तो क्या होता।

The sensorium of your presence

I feel like being in a spa of senses.

My whole being and senses can feel the delight of your presence. Your presence is so overwhelming that all it becomes difficult to enjoy each sense as a separate entity. But still, I am trying to feel and visualize how each of my sense feels you around me. I have all my eight senses wide open to let the signals of your presence gush and rush to my brain, making me feel the ultimate happiness. It is living a full life each moment I spend feeling you around me.

I am trying to feel each of these eight senses, one at a moment, one at a time, but it looks a tough task. You are so much around me. Yet, I will try to say how each of these senses affect my brain.


My eyes see you and entice my visual sense; I see the most mesmerizing images full of all colors of nature, wrapped in a rainbow of perfection. I see Venus herself opening her arms to me, with all the happiness in her arms. I see a pair of lips eager to kiss me and magical body ready to melt in the stronghold of my arms. This enchanting visual sensation is coupled with the auditory sensation, the tingling sounds that sound like musical notes to my ears. The voice that can make a roaring lion purr like a little cat, has a magical effect on me.

The effect makes me pull you closer and feel the cutaneous sense – the sense of touch. My skin feel your skin as my hands touch your cheeks and holds your face in my palms. My visual sense traces your face with my eyes to satisfaction and my ears hear your whispers. The twinkle of your eyes, the slight shiver of your lips. so close to me makes my lips long for the pleasure of gustatory sense – by putting my lips on yours and tasting the nectar of your love. The lips get glued and the tongue touches the tip of your tongue setting a permanent feel of you on my taste buds. They long for that taste ever since they knew it existed. The overall magical moment is engulfed into your scent, making my sense of olfaction to crazy over your presence.

As my hands go overboard, and explore you, my sense of kinesthetic feels your posture, your movements, the way your body stretches and relaxes, the way your breath goes high and low, the way your muscles tightens and relaxes. I feel the movements your body feels and the way passion drives the organs to jive in pleasure, making my vestibular sense – the sense of balance, go haywire. And then, ultimately the organic sense – the sense of the inner desires takes over. The desire gets too strong making me go hungry for you, thirsty for you.

A wishfully warm sensory spa that opens all my senses and makes me feel the ultimate.

Such is your effect on me...... and on my senses.

Give me all your worries

जो साज़ से निकली है, वो धुन सबने सुनी है,
जो साज़ पे गुजरी है वो किस दिल को खबर है।

This is, once again, a morning with shadows of sadness in the heart। Slowly, I realize that I have reduced my fight with my sadness. I just accept it, maybe with some restrain, some reaction, some frown, but without any rejection to this sadness. Maybe, after sometime, I will accept this sadness.


Give me all your worries, just feel free and light.

तुम अपना रंज-ओ-गम , अपनी परेशानी, मुझे दे दो।

What am I ? A heart full of desires ..

मैं दिल हूँ इक अरमान भरा
तू आ के मुझे पहचान ज़रा.

खुद मैंने हुस्म के हाथों में
शोखी का छलकता जाम दिया

गालों को गुलाबो का रुतबा,
कलियों को लबों का नाम दिया

आंखों को दिया सागर गहरा
तू आ के मुझे पहचान ज़रा।
मैं दिल हूँ इक अरमान भरा