The foggy clarity

The eyes seem foggy, but the mind seems clear. Or, is it the other way round? Maybe what the eyes see is clear and what the mind visualizes is foggy and unclear. But one thing is for sure - There is a disparity between my eyes and mind.

In the middle of night, when eyes refuse to pull down the lids, and the mind is too tired to control its thoughts; the blurry mind wanders in the forbidden roads. Burning red and yellow fire in a fiery pattern angers my nerve and as i tilt my neck, the kaleidoscope of the mind shifts to blues of sadness, loneliness and pain. I shift my side and the patterns of the mind changes to my love. This interests me. I like to be in love. I like to think of you. Smiling again, I put the earphones on. The radio is playing the late night oldies. The ratteling nerve endings begin to soothe. Music tellls me that what I am doing is ok, very natural.

में हूँ वो झोंका,
मस्त हवा का,
संग तुम्हारे ,
चलता रहूँगा।

जब से हुई है,
तुमसे मोहब्बत,
मिलता रहा हूँ,
मिलता रहूँगा।

..... तुमसे अच्छा कौन है, ...... No one ...

The projections start flashing in mind, and eyes pull down the lids. The music gives way to the radio jockey and his irritating blabber makes me put off the radio. My memories start flashing the images of the walk I had downhill.

Questioning starts within the mind and conflicts fire up again. I get up from the bed and walk to the refrigerator. Need to eat. Nothing in there. Cold chilly freezer has some icecream inside. I take a spoon and scrape a layer and put it in my mouth. I press the frozen chunk between my toungue and the roof of my mouth. Painful chill runs across the nerves making me forget my thoughts. It starts melting under the preassure but I dont gulp it down. I think why an occasional rude behaviour upsets me so much. is it normal? I know I am stronger today, my bond is stronger today, but I also remember that I had broken down in the past when I could not handle the rudeness. I promise myself once again I will control my thoughts. I am much more stable today as compared to that time, when I had given up. But .. did I not think the same about myself even then? Am I failing? again?

I take another spoonful, a bigger one and shove it inside my mouth and make it melt again. I need to stop my thoughts going into a way I dont want to walk into. I am happy today and my happiness is about my love. The inside of mouth is icecold now. Brain - tired. Slowly I get back to the bed, close the eyes and let mind wander into cold nothingness. I let the earphone play the radio once again -

झुकी हुई निगाह में कहीं मेरा ख्याल था।
दबी दबी हसीं में इक, हँसीन सा सवाल था।

में सोचता था, मेरा नाम गुनगुना रही है वो।
न जाने क्यों लगा मुझे के मुस्कुरा रही है वो।

वो शाम .... कुछ अजीब थी .... ये शाम भी अजीब है।
वो कल भी पास पास थी, वो आज भी करीब है।

वो आज भी करीब है।

वो आज भी करीब है।

करीब... very close..