Noumena Intuitions

Heard Somewhere.. long ago..

2009-10-18T07:39:00.000+05:30

एक बोहोत पुरानी ग़ज़ल याद आ गए आज..... No idea who is the author. I had heard it on a private tape almost twenty years ago. But it seemed to real.....

तीर से , दिल पे, उन्हें देख कर चल जाते हैं,
कितने आंसू, मेरी आँखों में, यूंही मचल जाते है.

जब वो होते हैं मेरे पास, तौ होते हैं मेरे,
गैर की बज्म में, क्यों जाने बदल जाते हैं

तेरी आरजू

2009-09-13T22:52:00.004+05:30

तेरी आरजू में वो ख्वाबों का बुनना
तेरी जुस्तजू में मचलते ही जाना,

यूँ हर वक़्त तेरे ख्यालों में रहना,
तेरी ही यादों का आशिक हो जाना,

वो मिलके गले तुमसे शिकवा भी करना,
फिर हाथों को थामे चलते की जाना

बहकते बहकते संभलने की कोशिश,
संभलते संभलते फिर बहक जाना,

वो ढेरों सी बातें, वो बारिश की रातें,
वो बातों ही बातों में रूमानी हो जाना,

वो होठों का छूना, वो बाहों में आना,
मीठे से ख्वाबों का सच हो जाना,

वो आंखों में हलकी शरारत का होना,
वो सूरत का आखों में यूँ समा जाना,

अब लग के गले तुमसे मुझे ये है कहना,
के अब जब भी आओ, वापस न जाना

intezaar

2009-09-05T10:55:00.001+05:30

उसकी दस्तक का इंतज़ार
करता हूँ यूँ सरगोशी से
जिसकी आवाज़ की तल्खियां भी,
बेहतर है उसकी खामोशी से

Pillow Fight

2009-09-04T23:18:00.003+05:30

It was like a pillow fight.
Just that, instead of pillows, we were throwing burning red hot coals at each other. The palms fumed with the foul smell of burning flesh and fingers were no less hurt. It all started with a typical ‘I am fed up with your habits’ and 'what wrong did i do' stuff; but slowly, words turned into molten glass being pure directly into ears. Anger got confronted with anger, and the bioling point touched the threshhold.

Someone had to break down, and the one who always does, did break down.
Yet – ‘I have nothing to say’ still continued ....
The harm has been done. This pillow fight will leave permanent scars.

Ranjish hi Sahi ---- Dil hee dukhaane ke liye aa..

2009-05-22T13:47:00.001+05:30

There is no anger .... just plain sadness.

2009-05-18T14:39:00.003+05:30

There exists no insurance for matters of heart.

I do not trust my intuition - this time

2009-03-24T21:17:00.005+05:30

My intuition says something which I do not believe.

It looks impossible.

No. I cannot be correct.

I hate ....

2009-03-24T08:40:00.007+05:30

I hate dotors.
I hate prescriptions
I hate my mind.
I hate this sick morning.
I hate sedatives.
They cause that stupid slurr. They bloat the face.
I cannot work. I cannot focus.
I hate them. And I wanna try to live normal.
Its all a bloody chemical warfare inside me.

All i need is...
a dayfull of work
a nighful of sleep

Sickman's Love Disorder

2009-03-23T07:57:00.008+05:30

I wish I could
love you
as much as

you do.

I guess
I do not
love you,
enough.

When I hear,

lets go,

Your way, my way

i choke.

Your absense,
like your silence,
surrounds me,
fills me,
oozes out

from a dry eye.

and

I tell myself,

Maybe,

I have not

loved you

enough, ever.

I tell myself,

a hundred times

each silent day,

that this craving

is a disease.

It needs

to be cured,

not endured,.

That when

i miss you,

its not love.

Its a disorder.

when I get

restless,

i need a pill,

not love.

The night sky,

stares at me,

and my phone,

still beepless,

leaves me

clueless,

once again.

Depression & anxiety,

and other

disorders of the heart,

can be cured for sure.

Its all, afterall,

a chemical imbalance

a harmonal anarchy.

I wish I could

love you

as much as you do.

I know you love me

in a perfectly

balanced way.

In right proportions

clinically measured,

drop by drop

at fixed intervals

as required.

You know...

an ocean

full of love

will cause me

indigestion.

I wish... I could love more.

At least,

As much as you do.

----------------------

Emptiness ... unforeseen

2009-03-11T10:21:00.000+05:30

When I walked the footpaths of time, playing the tune of my heart, never I had realized that I am walking into something that can make me so alone. This unforeseen lounge that I have entered now is full of known faces, alienated today. It is like being in a cage of my footsteps. All around, I see my doings, mocking me.

This was inevitable. So why do I feel it was unforeseen.

When I sit alone among people, I wait for someone from miles away, to spread a hand, to give a call, and wait.

The only reason I see this is happening, is because I did it to others.

What do I do?

Running with tired feet? Talking with my tied tongue? Or loving with my dried heart?

करते है मोह्हबत तो गुज़रता है गुमान और - Love pampers my ego...

2009-03-03T12:17:00.003+05:30

है बस के हर एक उनके इशारे में निशाँ और,
करते है मोह्हबत तो गुज़रता है गुमान और।

या रब वो न समझे है, न समझेगे मेरी बात,
दे और दिल उनको जो न दे मुझको जुबां और।

है और भी दुनिया में सुखनवर बहुत अच्छे ,
कहते हैके गालिब का है अंदाज़-ऐ-बयां और।

Jonny says - Shut Up.

2009-02-27T21:59:00.000+05:30

Tonight, past just walked past me, leaving me alone with the present. Jonny walked around in the room as I lazed on the couch, trying to tell my head to stop spinning and buzz off. I found myself bored of myself. And I know when I find myself boring; it’s time to shut up.

Jonny came close and lowered on me, and flashed his surgeon’s knife on my forehead, Like an expert, he made a clean cut, just skin deep, on my scalp. The layer peeled like old bark of tree, and thoughts overflowed out, slipping on the old mosaic floor.

Maybe now I can sleep, at least I thought so. But these thoughts all around the room were jumping with the new found freedom. They partied around as drunken vagabonds, shouting loud, playing, fighting, singing and even throwing up.

Even Jonny was bugged. He decided to trample them all. He wore those army boots and jumped over them. Alas, they slipped by, and Jonny fell flat on his face. These thoughts rounded him and pounded him, yelling in his ears.

Jonny says – enough – shut up - go to sleep. As if it was easy... lol

plugged in , am i still producing electricity?

2009-02-19T18:12:00.007+05:30

what is the difference between being needed and being wanted?
and what hapens when one is neither needed nor wanted, just accepeted because he is there.
slowly acceptance also startes fading away.
Life feels like plugged-in ( matrix ishtyle ).
Even illusions look like programmed...
my life is no longer about me. guess, it never will be. even when i am left alone, which I will be, eventually. I know I will be left alone .. sooner or later ...
its growing on me . i seem to know it. or i dont?

Further Flights

2009-02-13T22:56:00.003+05:30

Sitaaron ke aage jahaan aur bhi hai,
Abhi ishq ke imtimhaan aur bhi hain,

Tu shaaheen hai, parwaaz hai kaam tera,
Tere saamne aasmaan aur bhi hain

Have I gone mad?

2009-02-11T09:03:00.002+05:30

Insane blankness is clouding my mind.

There is a way we walk, and then suddenly bump into an invisible wall …

The path ahead is getting hazy and the vision seems diluted …

Black clouds hover around and my hand, which was held minutes ago, feels empty and cold.

No matter what, I am extremely frustrated with myself. Feel like fighting, and being angry, and shouting.

Have I gone mad?

Sometimes, the silence of people is so loud that it deafens ….

Is hype important to show that one holds value?
Why value / importance has to be shown using shoddy means?
Why can’t value exist in a natural and subtle state?
Hmm.. Is natural and subtle one and the same thing?
Guess not.. Everyone has his own way to add value to something.

Anger is not one of my natural instincts, and it I am not comfortable when I am angry.
I can’t be angry in my natural state. I love peace. But I am not at peace…

I am angry with myself .... very angry. I wanna break my head into tiny bits ...

Do I make sense? Well. Guess I never have …... Guess I never will...

Where do I ..... lol....

Ibtada-e-Ishq Hai

2009-01-21T16:45:00.004+05:30

The uncertainities of the 'matters of heart'; the 'kabhi shola.. kabhi naghma..' syndrome and the blurry vision about 'the next moment'' had a combined effect on me, Somewhere in the corner of the sleeping mind, a sher (as always) came up and teased me further.

Now this one if from Mir Taqi Mir ....
Ibtedaa e ishq hai rota hai kya,
Aage aage dekhiye hota hai kya.

The illusion of darkness and the magic of prayers

2009-01-18T00:39:00.002+05:30

Tonight, I faced my blindness once again.

I felt like caged in a room with no windows, no doors. I could not see anything outside. It was dark, pitch dark. All I could do was to touch and feel the walls, trying to find an opening desperately. Darkness was growing onto me, and my mind was getting clouded and crowded with thoughts of the worse.

Something inside me was telling me that all is well. This is just a moment of darkness and it will pass. But as the clocked ticked, there were moments where I began to lose faith. I left touching the wall and sat down in the middle of my dark cage, full of anxiety, gloom and suffocation. My hands were still trying to find that last straw to hold on. I had no option. I was losing to that sinking feeling inside me. I was trying to fight the darkness, and was failing every minute.

What is darkness? I asked myself.

Well.... it is the absence of light.

Where is the light?

It is supposed to be all around me?

Then why was I not able to see it?

So what is darkness? Is it the absence of light.. OR... is it the illusion of absence of light? When
the light is omnipresent, how could there be darkness?

I closed my eyes, and looked inside myself, trying to find the source of light, or the way to get away from this illusion of darkness.

And the answer came.

Pray. Talk to God. Ask him your question. Tell him your pain and misery. And leave it to him.

I prayed and opened my eyes. It was nothing less than magic. Pure Magic.

Before I could finish saying my prayer, the room seemed to be brightly lit by light.

Infact, there was no room, no walls, no cage, it was just light.

There was no darkness. I could see clearly that everything was ok. What I wanted most at that moment was there in front of my eyes.

Maybe, since quite some time, I wasn’t praying enough. I wasn’t.

God has given me so much. And God keeps on giving me whatever I ask for. Yet, I was too busy enjoying the gifts he had given me that I moved away from him. And this moving away led to darkness, fears, disbelief and anxiety.

All I had to do is to open my eyes, and the darkness would have vanished. Isn’t it that simple?
In the past too, I had experienced this magical power of prayers, but somewhere the timeline, I became overconfident, and landed up into this illusive darkness. Maybe this small time darkness was to shake me up and remind me how important prayers and faith is.

I apologise to God to losing faith. I have a long way to go, a lot to do.

Thanks for granting me your most precious gem.

Please give me the capability to be worthy of it.

Thank you God.

This is how i feel....

2008-12-30T09:20:00.003+05:30

Ai Phoolon Ki Rani, Bahaaron Ki Malika,
Tera Muskurana Gazab Hogaya,
Na Dil Hosh Mein Hein,
Na Ham Hosh Mein Hai,
Nazar Kaa Milana Gazab Ho Gaya..

Tere Honth Kya Hai,
Gulaabi Kanwal Hai,
Yeh Do Patiyan,
Pyar Ki Ik Gazal Hai,
Voh Nazuk Labon Se,
Mohobbat Ki Baaten,
Hami Ko Sunana, Gazab Ho gaya,

Ae Phoolon Ki Rani,
Bahaaron Ki Malika,
Tera Muskurana Gazab Ho gaya,
Na Dil Hosh MeinHein,
Na Ham Hosh Mein Hai,
Nazar Kaa Milana Gazab Ho Gaya..

Kabhi Ghul Ke Milna,
Kabhi KhudJhijhakna,
Kabhi Raaston Par,
Behekna-Machalna, Y
eh Palkon Ki Chilman,
Uthakar Girana,
GirakarUthana, Gazab Ho Gaya,

Ai Phoolon Ki Rani, Bahaaron Ki Malika,
Tera Muskurana Gazab Hogaya,

Neither rhyme nor reason - Prohibitive Bitterness

2008-12-13T09:59:00.006+05:30

ROSALIND: But are you so much in love as your rhymes speak?
ORLANDO: Neither rhyme nor reason can express how much.
- Shakespeare in ‘As You Like It’

Prohibitive Bitterness

Har subah, har shaam,

Sahil pe khade rehkar
Barish to pukarte hue,
Dekhte hue aasaamen ko
Ek khaas baadal talaashte hue,
Jeewan ruk saa jaata hai.

Aadmi jhuk saa jaata hai.

Yeh pyaas hee meri,
Mujhe jhukaa deti hai,
Saagar ke kinare par,
Ghutno pe bal baithe hue,
aur zyada jhukte hue,

ret pe bikhra khara paani
zabaan se chat te hue,
apni sharm kho kar,
apna guroor maar kar,
tootne ki hadd tak
pyaas pahunchaa deti hai,
aur baadal hai ke,
garmee ke asar mein,
krodhit ho kar,
bhaap ban kar
bina barse hi nikal jaata hai.

Sambhaal ke rakhoonga mein,

dil kee potlee mein

ye pyaasi subah,

ye usaad shaam,

wo theeki zubaan,

itni kadvaahaten,

Jo hai - mera hai

mera mustakbil,

mera apna, mera meet.

----------------

A Thorny Rose? or A Rosy Thorn?

2008-12-07T19:37:00.004+05:30

What is this love all about?

why am I .... lost?

i am getting more than i asked for. then why does it pinch so much?

love. a thorn with roses- - - or rose with thorns

Kinare se Kabhi andaza-e-- toofan nahin hota

Clock Clock

2008-11-16T23:41:00.002+05:30

Nothing slows down the clock like sadness.

When the sweetness goes out of 'sweet nothings', all thats left is nothing.

2008-11-16T23:00:00.002+05:30

Waqt aane par bata denge tujhe ae aasmaan,
hum abhi se kya bataayen, kya humare dil mein hai.

When Bismil would have written these lines, it most probably was strictly about the idea of independence from britishers. But, today, it looks relevant to almost any kind of slavery we live into.

I have lost the last thread of hope of getting any moral support from my most trusted people. They no longer believe in my capabilities. I wonder .... is this the return of the support I gave?

But I have decided to go ahead with my plans. Even if I fail ..... Lets see.
And yes, I am trying to touch everyone who can march with me in this phase. Hope to get a hand somewhere.

Whats on my mind?

Waqt aane par bata denge tujhe ae aasmaan,
hum abhi se kya bataayen, kya humare dil mein hai.

Mocking at the cupid

2008-10-21T12:42:00.003+05:30

Something I wrote sometime ago....

A wall of zillion issues,
with oodles of questions
and absolutely no answers,
growing tall between us.

Swaying like a skyscraper,
in the midst of a storm,
Bricks of confidence,
flying out randomly.

The bonding mortar of love,
no longer holding strong,
Foundations of time,
weakening, ripping apart.

Fate plays hide n seek
Making funny faces,
Mocking at the cupid,
that struck years ago.

Straw - Is it? ummm? the last one?

2008-10-07T23:52:00.004+05:30

We are few degrees away from the full circle.

I am not sure if ......................... I dont want to say it.

Is it the uranus effect or my habits.

This is not the first time.

It has happened before.

My back hurts bad.

What I did may prove the last straw on my back.

अपनी ही करनी का फल है,
नेकियाँ, रुस्वाइयां,
आप के पीछे चलेंगी,
आप की परछाईयाँ।

Whatever Good Bad Ugly I did, It shall remain with me forever, like my shadow.

I hope I can....

2008-09-18T11:37:00.000+05:30

I am in love

2008-08-24T00:40:00.002+05:30

I am in love; in love with my wooden bench near the jogging track. I love to walk slowly and there is no reason not to run.

I am a walker. Not a runner. And most of the times I don’t even walk. I just sit and watch others walk, jog or run. Sometimes, I see someone running, and tired, who occasionally comes and sits on the same bench. We talk a while and then we get up and walk a little. Slowly, I notice that I am walking slower, and the gap increases. I try to run, but it looks futile. I raise my hand, wave and move back to my bench.

I watch the distance growing. Looks like this distance will never get patched. It is increasing with each day passing. In all these years, this is the first time, no actually second time, when I felt that I am tired. Actually, I am tired of being myself.

I am again on my wooden bench. This time, I want to get in the sleep mode. I remove my jacket, fold it and place it under my head, before I spread myself on the victorian marvel. Plugged in my ears, my music player sings my familiar set of songs.

I love this bench; I love this muddy ground on which this bench stands.

I would feel very odd if this bench stands up and walks away.

But I guess, one day, it will.

Resisting Change

2008-08-18T09:35:00.001+05:30

.

Feeling like a centipede

with each foot flat

on wet muddy earth

holding for grip

gripping for stability

firmly resisting change

and then suddenly

looking up to a shadow

flying towards me

the vulture of time

diving in the sky

shooting in my direction

very close, very close

just… about to..
………….
………………..

no escape..

have left all hope

well....almost…
…..

still holding my

hundred feet

on the earth

…….

Will my earth hold me too?

...

??!!??!!??!!

The strings of love

2008-08-17T11:53:00.001+05:30

...
The strings of love,

entangled and tied,

pulling, stretching,

breaking themselves

in the three steel hands

of my wrist watch

second by second,

minute by minute

hours pass by,

but the night stands tall,

no morning rays in sight yet।

Sometimes, I want to get

A new string that won’t break

A perfect watch –that won’t tick

A pair of eyes, that won’t wait

A brave mind, that won’t fear

A plastic heart – that won’t beat
Ever।

Its Magic ...... LOL

2008-08-14T13:44:00.003+05:30

दुनिया जिसे कहते हैं, जादू का खिलौना है,
मिल जाए तो मिटटी है, खो जाए तो सोना है।

अच्छा सा कोई मौसम, तनहा सा कोई आलम,
हर वक़्त का रोना तो, बेकार का रोना है।

बरसात का बादल तो, दीवाना है क्या जाने,
किस राह से बचना है, किस छत को भिगोना है।

गम और खुशी दोनों, कुछ देर के साथी है,
फिर रस्ता ही रस्ता है, हसना है ने रोना है.

It is coming.

2008-08-13T21:31:00.003+05:30

Yes, eventually it will happen.
You saw it much before I saw it. You worked hard to show it to me all the way in last few months, but I couldn’t see it coming.
Today, you were able to show it to me. It was there in front of my mind.
I could feel a dark shadow on what I presently consider a bright spot of my life.
It is not very far. Yet, I will do everything I can, to avoid it.
If it has to, eventually it will happen.
God Forbid.

Dil Dhoondta Hai .....

2008-08-11T18:45:00.000+05:30

Click Click Sleep Tight

2008-07-19T17:13:00.003+05:30

The midnight moon, peeping from the window, was looking at me with obvious sarcasm.

I could feel the sadistic pleasure in the bright light on its round brilliantly white face. Beautiful. The moon looked happy at my state of mind. He was not the only one awake in this darkly lit night. The stars around seemed to giggle and mock at me.

The night was asking me again why I had taken the luxury of sleep for so many months. The night had been my constant companion in the past, playing games. And I ditched her. I chose to embrace a calm phase, for quite a few months, almost a year, and had been away from my sleepless nights. So I could see that my companions of darkness have been really annoyed with my calm.

I walked out in the concrete covered balcony and looked up to the window of visible sky. A black cat just purred somewhere in the backdrop, warning me of the some unknown disaster ahead. I chose to ignore it and picked up my little handy telescope, aimed at the dim night sky. Soon, I could see those umpteen little starry losers standing tight in the night sky, seemingly waiting for someone.. or waiting for the great fall.

It seemed like all these stars were hanging from the ropes of a circus arena, ready for some acrobatics, but too afraid of falling down. So they seemed still, waiting for some invisible trampoline, to fall upon, since ages. I wish they knew, no trampoline would ever appear.

A late night flight passing through my sky disturbed the chain of unreasonable thoughts. My eyes got this airplane in focus and followed it till it vanished in the cemented horizon of the cityscape. I walked inside, gave my body to the couch again and picked up the ultimate tool of empowerment in the modern times - the TV remote control. Click. Channel one, two, three, fifty nine, sixty two, ninety-nine, click click click. The moon still watched me through the window, with the same sarcasm.

I have always loved this sedative called television. It does put me to sleep.

तूफ़ान तो आना है

2008-07-18T17:41:00.003+05:30

It has always felt like that.

The problems, bad times, would come.. and go. Scars would be left. Time has already shown bad, worse phases, but hands kept help strongly. Dunno why, my ground is much more shaky today. Recent weeks have shown me that good times are not forever.

तूफ़ान तो आना है,

आकर चले जाना है,

बादल है ये दो पल का ,

छा कर चले जाना है,

परछाईयाँ रह जाती,

रह जाती निशानी है,

जिंदगी और कुछ भी नहीं

तेरी मेरी कहानी है।

Or maybe .... another phase of life has reached its end now.

I had thought my present phase would not end before the life itself , but I guess I was wrong. My heart is still hopeful. My mind is not. The beliefs are shaken.

तू धार है नदिया की,

में तेरा किनारा हूँ,

तू मेरा सहारा है,

में तेरा सहारा हूँ।

Everything is a phase.

The Failure of Intuition

2008-07-16T13:42:00.002+05:30

Somewhere, my intuitions have failed me this time.

Maybe I was overconfident...

kill my mind

2008-07-15T10:50:00.000+05:30

just kill my mind ... somehow...

Good Day

2008-07-15T10:38:00.001+05:30

If winning is so important ....

more important than anything....

I lose.

Good Day

Best Full

2008-07-12T09:10:00.001+05:30

Dunno if it is Better-Half ... or Best Half...
Maybe it is Best-Full
Coz my life get all empty when you are not around.

Its a Win Win Situation for me.

2008-07-06T18:24:00.004+05:30

The world is divided in two kinds of people - The winners and the losers.

Who is a winner? - The one who wins.. simple.

Who is a loser? - Everyone else.

Years ago, I gave a huge twist to my life, turning into a winner, in my own eyes, and the eyes of people who admired me then.

Winning made me lose a lot. There was a lot at stake, when I gave it a twist. I lost most of what was a stake. The cost of heavy. Doubtlessly.

Winning is not eternal. It takes a lot to remain a winner.

Now, I guess I am crossroads once again in life.

No, it is not one of those weekly messups.

I can see things changing forever.

I am changing inside too.

The crust of patience is breaking, once again.

But this was supposed to happen? Laws of nature I guess.

Whatever goes up, comes down.

Whatever is born, dies one day.

New life awaits me.

If I don't understand myself, who will? Someone will. Somewhere.

I would win again - Just that I am in lookout for a new battlefield.

aa bhi jaa

2008-07-04T20:43:00.002+05:30

O God !
Take away my wait...
Please
. I am dead tired.

Aaa bhii jaa....

Voilating the kinesphere

2008-06-29T22:20:00.003+05:30

Apologies.

Apologies for not being able to understand the dynamic and multiparametric nature of your kinesphere. I understand that you have always respected and maintained the dignity of my space, which I havent actually been able to reciprocate all along. I tried to argue, but failed because my arguments do not hold ground. The base I stand on is very slippery, with nothing to hold onto.

As an afterthought, I must say that I do admire your gandhian fearlessness, as always. It is always best to call a spade a spade. Somewhere, I may never be able to learn where this bravery comes from. I guess it comes from a lot of suffering and pain you have gone through in your past.

As you often say, you have nothing to lose, so why be afraid. I do not know why I cannot see this. Maybe God has given me so much that I always fear losing it. Maybe God has not given you as much as he gave me. So I do fear to lose what I have.

Somewhere in my mind, the old saying is ringing. It said - If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were... Past showed me how true this was. But I prefer not to go thru it again and again. I prefer to lead a love filled life. But my preference is too personal in nature. It would never apply to others. Whatever I prefer, should never be a chain in your feet. I respect your space and will do so (more) in the future. I would try my best not to voilate its sanctity again.

I am sorry. And I am sorry for my ramblings, bumblings and stumblings today.

I hate my impatience.

I love my weakness because it is my strength too.

Say cheese...

2008-06-01T09:29:00.008+05:30

Anger hurts big time.

And it hurts even more when one simply gulps it down with a dry smile. It does down the throat with a thorny feel and sticks in the chest for long, refusing to go down further.

There was a time when anger used to go down well, and turn into fuel to power the drive. Now, the drive itself seems to be taking long pauses of silence, sprinkled with unspoken boredom. I know I no longer do interesting things, I no longer have more rabbits in my hat to pull out with joyous surpises. Looks like my show is losing its pace, without reaching the climaxic orgasm. Visualizing an almost empty theatre with a lone puppet on the stage, with sloppy strings, almost falling down.

The formality of the night was a shattering expereince, a normal shattering experience. Shattering, because I felt broken to splinters peircing my skin. Normal, because I am told this is bound to happen.

I cannot react, because I could not act at the first place.
And I am told, even if I would have acted, my reaction would not be valid.

It is like flying a solo aircraft over atlantic, with fuel running down fast, and obviously there is no destination. Just flying till ...

Looking back, I am trying to bring out utility out of my futility.
No longer. In most cases, my utility is long over.
I do not know how I can be useful any longer.

Good Morning Sunday. Smile ... Say Cheese. ... Look Happy.... What the heck.

Despo

2008-04-29T18:03:00.001+05:30

The day is about to pass by, and the evening is killing me again. Each minute passes like hell. I hate myself more and more as my bloody desperation grows. Why the hell I cant be normal. Why do I get to stupid as hell? Why Why Why? One voice has made me a permanent addict to itself. I cannot live without listening to it.

I know I sometimes (actually most of the times), I behave like a perfect as**ole. I guess I hate myself and I hate that I cannot help myself with my sick despo behavior.

Disambiguation

2008-04-10T15:59:00.003+05:30

It may mean this; or it may mean that.

No one knows what would it mean.

Just that, one needs to fix a meaning to what one says.

I do not think this is possible in real life.

The need of disambiguation is increasing.

अगर मुझे एक आपके मन का शब्दकोष मिल जाए तौ शायद जान सकूं के जो आप कहते हो उसका सही अर्थ क्या है। यूँ तो आप सीधी और सरल बात करते हैं मगर शायद में ही उलझ जाता हूँ। नहीं समझ पाता के आप केवल कुछ बातें यूंही कह जाते हो या कुछ और है जो समझाना चाह रहे हो।

में रेत में से रास्ते बनाता चला जाता हूँ,

धूल हूँ, और धूल को उडाता चला जाता हूँ।

नज़र तो आ रही है मुझे बोहोत सी वो मंजिले,

में मंजिलो को हमसफ़र बनाता चला जाता हूँ.

आपके मिलने से पहले इतना अकेला न था,

अब कितनी बातें ख़ुद से ही छुपता चला जाता हूँ।

mausam hain aashikaana

2008-04-04T16:42:00.004+05:30

The rains are ........ making me think of your vitality.

Unleashed passion was there with me, and my arms could not contain the

mausam hain aashikaana

aaye dil kahee se unako ayese mein dhoondh laanaa

kahanaa ke rut jawaa hai,

aaur hum taras rahe hain

kaalee ghataa ke saaye,

birahan ko das rahe hain

dar hain naa maar daale,

saawan kaa kyaa thhikaanaa

---

sooraj kahee bhee jaaye,

tum par naa dhup aaye

tum ko pukaarate hai,

in gesooon ke saayeaa

jaao main banaa doo,

palakon kaa shaamiyaanaa

Not being in love .

2008-03-28T17:40:00.003+05:30

So you think I am not in love any longer....

Bullsh** .....

Why do you challange me like that? I hate it.

dis-satisfaction

2008-03-22T00:17:00.002+05:30

I hate this everyday growing dis-satisfaction with my life.

Is this me?

2008-03-21T08:53:00.000+05:30

Guess my mornings are most depressing when I am low on energy. My body just does not want to get up into action, but the mind wanders into an uneasy mix of events, expressions and emotions.

I start peeping into my mind and get even more uneasy. I can see that I am on a roll. Unsteady, wobbly and rolling to an unknown direction. Something tells me that I am soon about to reach an unknown territory, an unknown phase of life that is far from the stability I had enjoyed for last few years.

I fear my temptations to cross the line. It is like moving towards what I want, at the stake of what I am.

My late nights and mornings have become very restless, and it is tough to cover the restlessness at times.
Sometimes, I feel that I am losing respect for myself. And I am unable to handle this.

I feel tired, of myself. And I am again late to get ready.

midnight muse

2008-03-21T01:25:00.003+05:30

It is past midnight and I am tired.

I hate this freedom of mind that the night gives me.

Somewhere I ask myself, will I get what I want?

Then I ask myself - what do I want?

And Then I ask - Dont I already haev what I want?

Then - why do I miss it so much?

What do I want?

Dont I already have it?

If I do, then why do I miss it ?

.....

The morning after ...

2008-03-19T08:46:00.001+05:30

Last night, I had a perfect sleep after so many days.

My dreamwoman held my hand softly, and made me feel the comfort of her presence. The last thing i remember that I was watching her with my half closed eyes as my head rested on her shoulder.

And then next thing I knew was getting up this morning in the world of straight forward reality. Woke up with the usual alarm on my cellphone, and looked at my empty arms. It took me a few moments to catch up with the reality that the night is over and a tough day awaits me ahead.

Get up man.... get ready...

Morning Muse Today

2008-03-15T09:01:00.004+05:30

I want a lot in life, a lot more, lots more.

More than anyone has ever got.

More than anyone can ever thnk of.

- And its not about money.

What do we want?

2008-03-14T23:47:00.002+05:30

It looks like a never ending chain.

सूरज को धरती तरसे,

धरती को चन्द्रमा ।

पानी में सीप जैसे,

प्यासी हर आत्मा।

बूँद छुपी किस बादल में

कोई जाने ना।

No one knows where will I get what I want.

I thought I got everything.

सब कुछ मांग लिया तुझको मांग कर।

उठते नहीं हैं हाथ मेरे इस दुआ के बाद।

But I guess I am not that wrong.

The foggy clarity

2008-03-14T10:55:00.004+05:30

The eyes seem foggy, but the mind seems clear. Or, is it the other way round? Maybe what the eyes see is clear and what the mind visualizes is foggy and unclear. But one thing is for sure - There is a disparity between my eyes and mind.

In the middle of night, when eyes refuse to pull down the lids, and the mind is too tired to control its thoughts; the blurry mind wanders in the forbidden roads. Burning red and yellow fire in a fiery pattern angers my nerve and as i tilt my neck, the kaleidoscope of the mind shifts to blues of sadness, loneliness and pain. I shift my side and the patterns of the mind changes to my love. This interests me. I like to be in love. I like to think of you. Smiling again, I put the earphones on. The radio is playing the late night oldies. The ratteling nerve endings begin to soothe. Music tellls me that what I am doing is ok, very natural.

में हूँ वो झोंका,
मस्त हवा का,
संग तुम्हारे ,
चलता रहूँगा।

जब से हुई है,
तुमसे मोहब्बत,
मिलता रहा हूँ,
मिलता रहूँगा।

..... तुमसे अच्छा कौन है, ...... No one ...

The projections start flashing in mind, and eyes pull down the lids. The music gives way to the radio jockey and his irritating blabber makes me put off the radio. My memories start flashing the images of the walk I had downhill.

Questioning starts within the mind and conflicts fire up again. I get up from the bed and walk to the refrigerator. Need to eat. Nothing in there. Cold chilly freezer has some icecream inside. I take a spoon and scrape a layer and put it in my mouth. I press the frozen chunk between my toungue and the roof of my mouth. Painful chill runs across the nerves making me forget my thoughts. It starts melting under the preassure but I dont gulp it down. I think why an occasional rude behaviour upsets me so much. is it normal? I know I am stronger today, my bond is stronger today, but I also remember that I had broken down in the past when I could not handle the rudeness. I promise myself once again I will control my thoughts. I am much more stable today as compared to that time, when I had given up. But .. did I not think the same about myself even then? Am I failing? again?

I take another spoonful, a bigger one and shove it inside my mouth and make it melt again. I need to stop my thoughts going into a way I dont want to walk into. I am happy today and my happiness is about my love. The inside of mouth is icecold now. Brain - tired. Slowly I get back to the bed, close the eyes and let mind wander into cold nothingness. I let the earphone play the radio once again -

झुकी हुई निगाह में कहीं मेरा ख्याल था।
दबी दबी हसीं में इक, हँसीन सा सवाल था।

में सोचता था, मेरा नाम गुनगुना रही है वो।
न जाने क्यों लगा मुझे के मुस्कुरा रही है वो।

वो शाम .... कुछ अजीब थी .... ये शाम भी अजीब है।
वो कल भी पास पास थी, वो आज भी करीब है।

वो आज भी करीब है।

वो आज भी करीब है।

करीब... very close..

2008-03-05T23:32:00.002+05:30

हमे डर है हम खो न जाएं कहीं...

Its been a good journey, but now I wanna change the equatiosn between me and my material ambitions

Eight long years since the last change.... and it has been ok. Some success with my work. But I am nowhere near what my present wish is. I want to change what I am doing. But I am unable to gather the guts to put a full stop to my present work, as I had often done in past.

If I ask my heart, I will just close down everything, and start afresh. But thats impractical. I would rather build another buffer ( just like the one I am building for annual investments in the present work). I will use this buffer to give a two or three year statbility to all who are dependent on me. And then, I would be free for those three years to re-discover my next potential.

This time, I want to keep my targets higher than I could everthink of. It would include large industries, big busines, private jets, high flying .... etc etc etc...

Just ... be around .. and close.

हमे डर है हम खो न जाएं कहीं
सुहाना सफर और ये मौसम हसीं।

Telepathy - What is it?

2008-03-03T00:41:00.002+05:30

What is telepathy?

Is it kind of a mental exchange of dialogues? I used to think so, but some of the recent experiences have made me think more on this and here are my notes on it.

To understand telepathy, we must first know what it is not.

The popular belief, (or may I now call it the myth), about telepathy is that it is the ability to transfer a thought from one mind to another ( or several) minds. Well, not really. Thoughts are not objects that can be transferred from one to another. Thoughts are not things to be handed over from one to the other. Telepathy is not something like a brain based email system that sends messages from one point to another. No, telepathy is not about transfer of ideas and thoughts. Telepathy, as I have experienced, is not a mental communication.

It, to me, is like presence of a medium, an indefinable medium which may not have a shape, size, extent or measurements. It does not have a two way communication system kind of a thing. Rather, think of it like a cloud of thoughts, which a mind can enter, and feel the floating thoughts in that medium. It is kind of a mental space outside the mind, where thoughts float freely and are available to anyone and everyone whose mind is activated or trained to feel them.

Thoughts remain in this space, this medium forever. They are immortal. That explains that we sometimes go through some mental experiences ( illusions, visions, etc etc), that we have never seen or been through in our physical lives. Those thoughts float free in the space and effect us almost all the times. The stronger the thoughts, the easier they are to be felt. These thoughts have been there since ages, I guess ever since mind existed. We feel things that we have never known of. We experience them though those thoughts floating in the mental space.

Telepathy, to me, is the ability to understand these thoughts, floating freely in the medium. Telepathy is like a mental vision, that enables a mind to feel thoughts floating around the mind. Telepathy is our link to immortal thoughts of people from the past, and thoughts of people today.

another sunday evening with some songs...

2008-02-24T22:52:00.002+05:30

Listening to something just brought be an instant smile ...

चेहरे पे खुशी आ जाती है,
आंखों में सुरूर आ जाता है,
जब तुम मुझे अपना कहते हो,
अपने पे गूरूर आ जाता है।

Yes, I start feeling the pride, when you call me yours. The smile comes ... the eyes shine...

aa bhi jaa

2008-02-14T21:56:00.003+05:30

When the evening is about to meet the night, the heart starts beating a little faster; and just in a little, my beleoved would be here. But you know what, my watch is my biggest enemy, it just does not tick as fast as it usualy does, when I am talking to her.

Beeti Na Bitayi Raina

2008-02-05T22:34:00.000+05:30

बीती न बिताई रैना .....

The golden nights have gone past, yet the memories remain। I cannot forget them.

युग आते हैं, और युग जाएँ,
छोटी छोटी बातों के, पल नहीं जाएँ,
झूठ से काली लागे, लागे काली रतियाँ,
रूठी हुई अखियों से, लाख मनाई रैना...

And I guess ..... I got my best days .. to remember. I know now, what I will miss all my life...

बीती न बिताई रैना,
बिरह कि जाई - रैना,

भीगी हुई अखियों से,
लाख बुझाई रैना,

What am I looking for?

2008-01-22T00:27:00.000+05:30

Each step looks like a bigger burden.

I have no clue what I want. And do I really want all this? Do I really want success? money? offices? houses? power? I do not know.

Most of the time I feel I need all this, and much more. I need a better office, maybe a good bank balance, security, power. It may make me happier.

But, then, it all looks futile. Whatever I have today, is more than what I had asked for, just a decade ago. Why do i think i wished for less? Why do I feel my vision was smaller?

Am I happier than I was a decade ago? Yes, definately I am happier. I am happier because I have learnt to fight the world and come out less injured on my pride.

Then why do i feel its all futile. Everyone is unhappy, sad, broken somewhere inside. I am unable to help. Everyone is confused. So am I. It all looks like an illusion.

We are told, taught and explained that if if we have all this .. we will be happy...

is is true? guess not...

Remembering Sahir's words....

हर इक जिस्म घायल,
हर इक रूह प्यासी।

निगाहों में उलझन,
दिलो में उदासी।

ये दुनिया है या,
आलाम-ए-बदहवासी,

ये दुनिया अगर मिल भी जाए तो क्या है ॥

दिल ढूँढता है .....

2008-01-19T22:33:00.000+05:30

बर्फीली सर्दियों में , किसी भी पहाड़ पर,
वादी में गूंजती हुई, खामोशियाँ सुने,

आखों में भीगे भीगे से लम्हे लिए हुए...

दिल ढूँढता है, फिर वही फुरसत के रात दिन ...
बैठे रहें तस्सवुर-ए-जाना किये हुए

जाडों कि नर्म धूप और, आँगन में लेट कर,
आखों पे खींच कर तेरे, दामन के साए को,
औंधे पड़े रहे कभी करवट लिए हुए...

दिल ढूँढता है, फिर वही फुरसत के रात दिन ...

या गर्मियों की रात जो पूरवायीयाँ चलें ,
ठंडी सफ़ेद चादरों पे, जागे देर तक,
तारों को देखतें रहे, छत पर पड़े हुए ।

दिल ढूँढता है, फिर वही फुरसत के रात दिन ... बैठे रहें तस्सवुर-ए-जाना किये हुए

Fun on the slides.

2008-01-14T21:19:00.000+05:30

Remember those days, when, as kids, playing in a neighborhood parks, we used to enjoy the slide. I must have enjoyed it hundreds of times. And sitting alone here, I seem to recall it once more.

The park I used to play in, had a couple of slides. Some straight, and some with lots of curves. Typically, each one of them had an iron ladder to get on the top, and then zoom, sliding down all the way. It was fun. The feel of letting go the self, and being pulled down by sheer force of gravity, sliding down the shiny, cold steel sheets. It was fun, indeed.

Then, as I grew up, I was taught down-slide isn't fun. One must only keep on doing the hard work of climbing the iron ladder, endlessly. There is no place like the top, but the down slide can begin anywhere. Once could just freely slide down, or tumble down, or thrown down and its not fun.

I still miss that slide of my childhood. Coming down sliding and then every-time rushing back to get on the ladder.

Trying to unlearn that life should only be about getting on the ladder.

I am trying to enjoy the down slide, once again.

The steel is colder and slicker.

Maybe this will help me to be less insecure.

Maybe...

The stress of desire and fear

2008-01-02T07:23:00.000+05:30

I am feeling stressed. Heavily stressed with loads of desire and loads of fear.

I had a very disturbed sleep last night, every now and then waking up with a rising desire to take my sweetheart in my arms, loving endlessly. There was no way to cool me off. And then, the stress of complications arising was getting too much on my nerves.

I know that none of us want complications and even if they come, there would be ways to tackle them; but somehow, the thought of complications double my stress. I got up a couple of times, got the the internet to find answers to my questions, but all i got was a mixed bag of statements from people equally confused than I am. I looked for doctors who could advice me and took down an address too. But I am afraid and confused. And yet, I am not able to put my desire down.

I love being in love, being loved; yet, I am not able to come up with solutions for complications that may arise now, or in future.

I often tell myself that things will be ok, and I may be able to handle problems once they come, but my fears eat me inside and increase the stress levels.

Next few days of my life will bring to me the biggest tests of my life I ever had. I wand to stand up, but I am afraid of my weak knees. What if I tremble or fall ?

This morning is very depressing. I do not know how will I handle it today, tomorrow, day after.... till things become clearer. What if they dont? What if things have goen wrong?

I slap myself hard for getting the wish of being loved more and more, even at this mental state. But I cant help it. I have been loved and I feel good and warm and nice at every thought of you.

I like when I am pampered with kisses and I love when your touch admires my body and soul.

But ....... I have no answers, and the questions are killing me...

I have always said that one must sit tight in such situations and let time come up with answers; but now, when it is time, I am unable to sit tight. Next few days are critical, for love, fear, pain, failure, faith, success, what all ?

Time to get ready .... for whatever comes.

Aur Nahin... enuff for today

2007-12-20T16:30:00.000+05:30

I feel stupified.

Today , till now, has been a very odd day.

Unpleasant.

Everything turned odd.. but its ok ..

Maybe .... इस में भी कोई अच्छी बात होगी।

Can't take more for today. Enuff I guess.

tired

2007-12-20T14:35:00.000+05:30

I feel worn out. Need a break.

Pata nahin...

कोई सागर दिल को बहलाता नहीं,
बेखुदी में भी करार आता नहीं।

में कोई पत्थर नहीं, इंसान हूँ,
कैसे कह दूं गम से घबराता नहीं।

2007-12-13T06:31:00.000+05:30

I have been thinking over and over again about the infections since the talk of the last evening. I understand the concern, but I still do not have an answer to anything.

I am only relying on my instinct to say that I maybe safe from problems. But I know this is never enough.

I do not know if I am ready to put myself under the scanner, because if any results are not the way I think, there would be nothing left in life. Sometimes knowledge is helpful, and sometimes knowledge can ruin everything.

I am afraid that I will lose the life-force that has been driving me to fulfil my job till my death.

I do not fear death, but I do fear going without completing my work.

The questions I have been asked have challanged my sleeping brain to a restless stage, and I am getting no answers.

Just wondering, am i mentally prepared for testing myself?
Is it just the same as - Am I ready to be alone forver till I die.. how soon? How late? No idea....

Is testing myself and making myself aware may be same as killing myself before time? I do not know..... Guess so...

What is the fun in living in a dead body.....

Everything looks gloomy ...

Trying to gather guts, but looks too tough...

तुम रहती हो...

2007-12-11T08:50:00.000+05:30

तुम सोचोगी क्यों इतना
में तुमसे प्यार करूं।

तुम समझोगी दीवाना,
में भी इकरार करूं।

दिवानो कि ये बातें,
दीवाने जानते हैं।

जलने में क्या मज़ा है,
परवाने जानते हैं।

तुम यूँ ही जलाते रहना,
आ आ कर ख्वाबो में,

पल पल दिल के पास...

तुम
रहती
हो।

Elements of Restlessness

2007-12-03T08:46:00.000+05:30

I do not know what I am dealing with.

Volatility and intense swings all through the night ruin my mornings.

It looks like that the life is going through a chaotic passage of time

Lack of proper sleep from last few nights has given me a headache which doesn't seem to go away.

This morning, I decided to get to work early, but then, what do I do? Some work, some emails, some designs, and then restlessness comes back.

What is this? My mind seems to have grown another mind of its own.

I feel I am longing for peace, happiness and calmness.

The heart is on an overdrive.
To be calm, I am going for a drive now.

Do not know what to do, but ....................

I need fresh air.

तुझे क्या खबर है ओ बेखबर

2007-12-02T06:41:00.000+05:30

Tears, sleeping peacefully, in the folds of my eyelids, woke up one night, drop by drop, dared to flow out, rolled out, on the desert called life, queuing drops from the eye, over the cheeks, falling down on the harsh grounds of reality, and drying down, vanishing into nothingness.

And more teardrops, still peeping from the eyelids, saw this vanishing act of those who dared and vanished, decided to get back, and settle down quietly in the eyes, never to dare again and drop from the eyes.

Tears are safe inside the eyes। I would let them stay there.

No sadness.... Just you...

Your thoughts surround me like a blanket of protection.

Do I say again and again - Why shouldn't I desire you? - मुझे क्यों न हो तेरी आरजू ... ।

ये हवा, ये रात, ये चांदनी; तेरी हर अदा पे निसार है,
मुझे क्यों न हो तेरी आरजू , तेरी जुस्तजू में बहार है।

Everything, the cool winter air, the mesmerizing moonlight, is going crazy over your style. Why shouldn't I want you, when the spring too wants you so much ... Why can't I ?

तुझे क्या खबर है ओ बेखबर,
तेरी इक नज़र में है क्या असर;
जो गज़ब में तौ कहर है,
जो हो मेहरबान तौ करार है।

You are just blissfully unaware what effects you have .... The way(s) you lok at me. A liitle angry and its devastation for me, and a little smile makes me feel ....my dil go zoooooooooom ......

मुझे क्यों न हो तेरी आरजू , तेरी जुस्तजू में बहार है।

तेरी बात बात है दिलनशीं,
कोई तुझ से बढ़ के नहीं हसीं,
है कली कली पे जो मस्तियां,
तेरी आँख का ये खुमार है।

मुझे क्यों न हो तेरी आरजू , तेरी जुस्तजू में बहार है।

Looks like its morning outside... yeah. just saw out of the window curtain ...
Another day has started. Good Morning Sunday ..

If there is more life ....

2007-12-01T23:11:00.000+05:30

I love rediscovering the writings and meanings what Ghalib wrote. Everytime, the verses look to factual, fresh and having an everlastign impact.

Tonight, just thinking about the one - कोई दिन गर जिंदगानी और है .... If there are more days to my life ....

कोई दिन गर जिंदगानी और है,
अपने जी में हमने ठानी और है।

Simply said, if there are a few more days of my life, I have something else in my heart.

बार-हा देखी है उनकी रंजिशे,
पर कुछ अबके सर-गिरानी और है।

सर-गिरानी - Pride

आतिशे दोज़ख में ये गर्मी कहाँ,
सोज़-ए-गम हाय निहानी और है.

The fire of hell doesnt have that heat, which is hidden in the sadness inside.

--------

नींद उसकी है

2007-12-01T23:03:00.000+05:30

नींद उसकी है
दिमाग उसका है
रातें उसकी है

तेरी जुल्फें,
जिसके बाजू के
परीशान हो गई

- Ghalib

Frozen Time

2007-11-30T10:41:00.000+05:30

Why ?

Each minute passing is like a heavy step. Each moment is taking hours to pass.

The clock seems to have slowed down .

tick

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Seems that the needles of time sleep between each tick...

tock

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

tick

zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
tock

Somewhere I had felt that I have been able to deal with my impatience; but guess not really.

The time is just not ready to move ahead this morning... I feel its 10:44 A.M. since last so many hours.

How will I handle life in future?

The misery is returning to my eyes. Why? Well... 10:45.... another 15 minutes maybe ...

My ears are waiting. My eyes are fixed on my cellphone. I know it will take time.

The world around me looks in a frozen state. Frozen in time.

The seconds hand of the wall clock refuses to move further untill I pray and beg to it a hundred times. The minutes hand is even more adamant and heavy headed. Just not ready to push itself another step .

10: 48...
Eyes gaze through the corridor outside and I miss myself standing there. My phone is still quite.

10: 49 ....

किसी नज़र को तेरा इंतज़ार आज भी है
कहाँ हो तुम के ये दिल बेकरार आज भी है

न जाने देख के उनको ये हुआ एहसास,
के मेरे दिल पे उन्हें इख्तियार आज भी है।

10: 52 ....

कहाँ हो....

Guess you must be in the cab right now, heading to work.
Another ten minutes maybe.. i would hear from you ..

10: 58

.....

Passion Truths

2007-11-27T00:13:00.000+05:30

When my mirror challanged me that I am no longer passionate about my work, I opposed.

But later, I thought again. I wasn't.. anymore. The mirror was right.

When I discovered the joy of digital design, years ago, it filled my life with passion. That scale and density of passion is missing now; after it turned into a profession where I think less of design and more of clients and employees, projects and banking.. etc etc etc.

Business is not my passion. Creativity is.....

Money is just a need. It is again not my passion... I want to earn well so that I can do what I love to do. But when I dont love to do anything, money is just a source of fulfilling needs.

I guess I am no longer passionate about my present state of business..
I am doing it because that is my bread and butter.
It will continue to work hard on it as a my main business activity.
But ... it is presently not my passion anymore.

What am I passionate about? now-a-days.... guess romance, love? Yes, to an extent, I am driven by my heart. Though it seems so to me, but to be honest, on second thoughts.. ... maybe not really. I see my drive waving at times. I see myself less passionate towards my ladylove when I see limitations all around me. It isnt easy - at times. I want to have freedom of time, which I guess I cannot.

In the matters of heart, I sometimes feel I have given in to be tamed, and taming isnt about real passion.

The drive is no longer as strong as it was sometime ago. Same goes for work. The reasons could be many. I can argue with myself for hours on the reasons, causes and effects, but thats useless.

Guess I need a passion that can drive me wild to an extent that I pursue it with all my energy.

I need a passion that makes me fearlessly move towards it. I dont like goal related passions.. Once the goal is reached, passion flies out. I guess I need a path of passion to follow, to move it with all along.

When I look back, I can see that all the turning points of my life were driven by some strange urge to follow my drive. And whenever my drive slowed down, I managed to jump to something really excited me.

I developed some interest in travel recently and guess I would try it sometime soon, when I get some extra money and time.

I need to go. To fly. To re-ignite the fire in the belly.

Maybe I need to live a little more, a little longer, and a little more to my satisfaction.

Look Ma... No Legs...

2007-11-25T08:41:00.000+05:30

The 'thought of the day' has been dwelling on my head quite a bit.

A man who cannot stand up for himself and his work, will never be able to stand for anyone else. Period.

No matter how much I can argue on this, egoistically, I cannot escape from the truth in this statement. It does stand true for me and it has been proved so many times.
Such a man is not really worthy of companionship.

The fact is that my consistency is just a result of 'no other option' and my efforts are far less as compared to my past self. I have been eating out my own legs just to keep up with the race and then when someone showed me the mirror .. all i could say – Look Ma.. No legs.

I tired myself last night to an extent so that I can get up thoughtless in the morning, but the attempt failed, maybe because I am dissatisfied somewhere inside. I still woke up to the same face in my thoughts, nothing else.

My mind is failing me time and again. I do not know what I should do so that I think less about my so called 'priority of thoughts' these days. How would it switch to the thoughts of work? By increasing pressure on myself? Na.. An escapist would like to chicken out to sick leave. Well.. thats the image I carry in the eyes of people who know me well.

I need to keep up to the 'race' in order to gain companionship. If I am unsuccessful, as I am today, I must leave willfully and find a way out.

If I cannot raise myself to a certain successful level.... I must quit.

Wish I had known such terms before. But today when I know them, I can easily put them in my agreement too. I am laughing at myself ... wondering who all will be able to come up to my level. No, I am not talking money. Life has several other aspects that money and success. I am also afraid that my bloated esteem may just revolt.

Anyways, jokes apart. I have taken this challenge for sometime as a test to my will and endurance. But this is what I do not want forever.

Let us see what where life takes me now. The next major turn is just about the corner. I can see that. Atleast I would have the satisfaction that I tried.

I would either go uphill or downhill; or maybe take another less traveled way.

One thing is sure. The ball is now set rolling Its time to get up and walk.
I must get bigger or get out.

Good Morning Sunday

The Gold Beads and The Peppercorns

2007-11-24T09:15:00.000+05:30

The aftertaste of the phase, these days, is leaving me a little deranged. As my coffee is moving towards the bottom of the cup; the taste of the black peppercorns that I had added, is getting stronger and sharper. With every sip, I tell myself, black pepper is good for throat. So sip on.

This phase started somewhat seven years ago, when, out of sheer challenge to myself, I decided to take a plunge in the pool of gold beads, shinning bright in the sun.. Stepping in the pool, I was too glad to see gold beads all around me, a few in the pocket and lots around, waiting to be picked. I walked lazily, and stuffed whatever I found, in my small pocket with large holes.

The pool was getting larger and deeper and I left shore to step a little more inside. O Boy, it was slippery. Beads, small and large, rolling under my feet were new, shiny and smooth. They slipped faster and balancing was an art that I had never mastered. So I started enjoying the slips and falls, neck deep.

But how neck deep a dwarf can be? A small man is a small man.

I picked up more than my hands could hold, my small pockets could stack and my socks were stuffed. The shine was breathtaking and the everywhere was a sea of gold coins. Enough to be picked up, enough to live by and enough to show off.

As the sunlight went down every time, it grew darker. The coins did not shine anymore. They looked hard, cold and black. Like little black peppercorns all around me. They were there all around, around me, in my hands, in my eyes, in my nose, even in my gut. Just like the gold beads, they did not belong to me but they were there.

Somewhere behind the dark night clouds, a distant moon occasionally shone, throwing a silvery light on these little beads around me, creating a mesmerizing specular extravaganza of dreamy color. It looked magical. The corny feeling of pepper all around me just vanished when the moon came, transporting me to another perspective which had all the happiness, all the magic and rainbows. Each night was better than before And when sometimes when the moon was down, amavasya time, or cloudy days, I just spend time waiting for my moon, knowing it would come, thats the law of the nature.

The cycle of day and night became a ritual, but my mind was not on my gold beads anymore. I just spend time polishing the beads around me, decorating them all around my face and head, so that I could get more and more of that moonlit magic

.... to be continued....

I would write more about how gold beads and black peppercorns fought and how I got the hole in my palm and also the way I tried to thread the beads, and when moon came closer to the pool and a few more things . There is so much to say before I switch off.

न होता मैं ...

2007-11-23T11:11:00.000+05:30

न था कुछ तो खुदा था, कुछ न होता तो खुदा होता;
डुबोया मुझको होने ने, न होता मैं तो क्या होता।

हुआ जब गम से यूँ बेहिस,तो डर क्या सर के कटने का;
न होता गर जुदा तन से, तो ज़ानो पे धरा होता।

When depression takes over so much, then why fear the head being cut off. Simply, if it was not down there, it would have been on my shoulders.

The fact that my body is giving away to forces of nature; and my mind is losing its power to the depression that is slowly eating away my thoughts, to a stage where mere words remain meaninglessly linked to each other, not forming a statement.

Good that the fear of death is now getting lesser with time passing by.
Bad that the race will have to left incomplete.
Ugly - my rotton mind will rot further in this self destructive phase.

What is the use of fighting a losing war? But because I have absolutely nothing else to do, I would continue to sit on my three legged donkey, staggering to put up a brave act. till.... either the war is over, or I am ...

हुई मुद्दत ग़ालिब मर गया, पर याद आता है;
वो हर बात पे कहना के यूँ होता तो क्या होता।

The sensorium of your presence

2007-11-20T08:52:00.000+05:30

I feel like being in a spa of senses.

My whole being and senses can feel the delight of your presence. Your presence is so overwhelming that all it becomes difficult to enjoy each sense as a separate entity. But still, I am trying to feel and visualize how each of my sense feels you around me. I have all my eight senses wide open to let the signals of your presence gush and rush to my brain, making me feel the ultimate happiness. It is living a full life each moment I spend feeling you around me.

I am trying to feel each of these eight senses, one at a moment, one at a time, but it looks a tough task. You are so much around me. Yet, I will try to say how each of these senses affect my brain.

My eyes see you and entice my visual sense; I see the most mesmerizing images full of all colors of nature, wrapped in a rainbow of perfection. I see Venus herself opening her arms to me, with all the happiness in her arms. I see a pair of lips eager to kiss me and magical body ready to melt in the stronghold of my arms. This enchanting visual sensation is coupled with the auditory sensation, the tingling sounds that sound like musical notes to my ears. The voice that can make a roaring lion purr like a little cat, has a magical effect on me.

The effect makes me pull you closer and feel the cutaneous sense – the sense of touch. My skin feel your skin as my hands touch your cheeks and holds your face in my palms. My visual sense traces your face with my eyes to satisfaction and my ears hear your whispers. The twinkle of your eyes, the slight shiver of your lips. so close to me makes my lips long for the pleasure of gustatory sense – by putting my lips on yours and tasting the nectar of your love. The lips get glued and the tongue touches the tip of your tongue setting a permanent feel of you on my taste buds. They long for that taste ever since they knew it existed. The overall magical moment is engulfed into your scent, making my sense of olfaction to crazy over your presence.

As my hands go overboard, and explore you, my sense of kinesthetic feels your posture, your movements, the way your body stretches and relaxes, the way your breath goes high and low, the way your muscles tightens and relaxes. I feel the movements your body feels and the way passion drives the organs to jive in pleasure, making my vestibular sense – the sense of balance, go haywire. And then, ultimately the organic sense – the sense of the inner desires takes over. The desire gets too strong making me go hungry for you, thirsty for you.

A wishfully warm sensory spa that opens all my senses and makes me feel the ultimate.

Such is your effect on me...... and on my senses.

Give me all your worries

2007-11-07T08:24:00.000+05:30

जो साज़ से निकली है, वो धुन सबने सुनी है,
जो साज़ पे गुजरी है वो किस दिल को खबर है।

This is, once again, a morning with shadows of sadness in the heart। Slowly, I realize that I have reduced my fight with my sadness. I just accept it, maybe with some restrain, some reaction, some frown, but without any rejection to this sadness. Maybe, after sometime, I will accept this sadness.

Give me all your worries, just feel free and light.

तुम अपना रंज-ओ-गम , अपनी परेशानी, मुझे दे दो।

What am I ? A heart full of desires ..

2007-11-01T17:28:00.000+05:30

मैं दिल हूँ इक अरमान भरा
तू आ के मुझे पहचान ज़रा.

खुद मैंने हुस्म के हाथों में
शोखी का छलकता जाम दिया

गालों को गुलाबो का रुतबा,
कलियों को लबों का नाम दिया

आंखों को दिया सागर गहरा
तू आ के मुझे पहचान ज़रा।
मैं दिल हूँ इक अरमान भरा

तू नहीं तो - Anotther ghazal from Arth

2007-10-16T19:00:00.000+05:30

तू नहीं तो
जिन्दगी में
और क्या
रह जाएगा

दूर तक
तनहाइयों का
सिलसिला
रह जाएगा

दर्द की
सारी तहे
और सारे
गुज़रे हादसे

सब धुँआ
हो जाएगा
इक वाकया
रह जाएगा

यूँ भी होगा
वो मुझे
दिल से भुला
देगा मगर

ये भी होगा
खुद उसी में
इक खला
रह जाएगा

दायरे इंकार के
इकरार की सरगोशियाँ
ये अगर टूटे
तो बस फासला
रह जाएगा

Time to me

2007-10-15T22:06:00.000+05:30

Reading and Listening, side by side, to Mir's ( Mir Taqi Mir) kalaam, in the voice of Lataji, prompted me to rewind the ghazal and listen to it again, and again. कुछ शेर ज़हन में गूंजते जा रहे हैं।

परश्तिश किया भी तौ ए बुत तुझे,
नज़र में सभों कि खुदा कर चले ...

( note the typical use of hyderabadi style - सभो instad of the usual सभी ).

The meaning of the above is just as simple - I have worshiped you, and you are now a god for all.

दिखायी दिए यूँ के बेखुद किया,
हमे आप से भी जुदा कर चले।

The ghazal was rendered by Lata mangeskar, for the movie - Baazaar, and during the times when movies with easily understandable ghazals were gaining importance. This was the era when films like Saath Saath, Arth, Nikah and Umrao Jaan brought the ghazals to the pop laced generation, and till date, the ghazals from these films have ruled the melody.

Another ghazal ( by ghalib ) tonight says -

Nothing...

Space...

2007-10-14T23:14:00.000+05:30

Eyelids and beyond

2007-10-05T16:03:00.000+05:30

Eyes see the obvious. Foresight sees ahead. And intuition sees much beyond.

And then there are times when intuition hints at things that seem contradictory to the obvious perceived by the eyes. Moments when intuition forces the eyelids to close the windows and open the inner eyes, enabling the vision that can see through the curtains of time, evaluating why and how the obvious will turn into what intuition hints at.

I am simply going through such a chain of moments when whatever I see is not in agreement in what my inner vision sees.